I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
