I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
