so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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