I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
