I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
