I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
