So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
