sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
