I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
