theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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