The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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