remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
