I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
