We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
