I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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