Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
