Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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