I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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