After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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