If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
