i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
