There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We have so much sex to catch up on
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
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You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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