Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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