Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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