I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
