i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
