um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
