Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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