I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
