a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
