I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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