Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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