I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
