oh good, I think they're gone
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.