i love accidental penises.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
