A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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