happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
