Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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