My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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