Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
