he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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