i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
