I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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