Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
