I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
