i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
