I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
