My liver just broke up with me...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
