I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
