I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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