Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
