I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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