i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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