So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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