I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
