okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
