How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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