I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
