My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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