So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize