How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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