My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
