so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
