I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
