To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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